It might seem counter-intuitive to be discussing faith and spirituality of any kind in an article that also (more than once) uses the term “huge ass”. But that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to talk about something called Adonitology; something those of you with a sense of humor like ours will most likely have heard about by virtue of the ass worship memes floating around social media. The appreciation of a nice ass has long been described as some variation of the phrase butt worship, but in this case that is literally the Adonitology meaning. 

Religion is an essential facet in many people’s lives; in fact, it serves as much of the philosophy that define how people conduct their lives. Moreover, spirituality and religion have throughout history helped define moral compasses, driven history, and been the catalyst for great conflict. 

This isn’t really isn’t one of those religions. As we’ll explain. 

What is Adonitology?

Urban Dictionary describes Adonitology as a religion named after and founded by King Adonis I., which empowers and enlightens callipygian (defined as having shapely buttocks) women and new age thinkers.

That’s right; you read that correctly. Adonitology is the worship of curvy women’s asses. Its adherents, known as Adonitologists, believe that large asses, specifically women’s (sorry Captain America), hold the “hidden and universal truth of the creation of life…”

The “religion” is often posted online in meme form (or in poor quality screen shots from early 2010s Tumblr posts).

If this seems interesting, know that you are not alone in that thought process. Reportedly there are over 20 million followers of the religion worldwide, but none of could find any official sources on the matter.

Maybe they mean every single guy who has ever posted publicly on social media that they’re an ass man. It could be an excellent way to stack the numbers in their favor.

Hell, that’s what we would do if we were gonna start the Cult of the Huge Ass! 

The Founding of Adonitology

The history of Adonitology is as ridiculous as you probably imagine, though not more so than some other mytho-spiritual events in history. Of that, we can ASSure you. 

The big ass worship founder has almost as many titles as season eight Daenerys Targaryen. However, officially he is referred to most of the time as “King Adonis I” or “His Imperial Majesty King Adonis I.” On January 3rd, 1996, King Adonis I claimed three heavenly beings visited him in Thailand; The Angel Elishamel, Jesus, and Issa Elohim the Holy Spirit.

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This might have forever answering the age-old question, is your [insert deity of choice here] an ass man?

After they visited him, he awoke to the realization that he was (this is his explanation, mind you, not ours) God reincarnated.

The biography on his website states, “In the tradition of Attis, Osiris, Allah, and Jehovah, King Adonis I reveals to mankind the universal laws and Truth of life which he is to be governed by in this era.”

He says he was instructed to wait years for the “appointed time,” and in 2009, he started spreading the teachings of Adonitology throughout the world.

We can only ASSume 2009 was the appropriate time.

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The Adonitology Core Tenets

So Adonitology has its own set of core tenets; coincidentally a certain big worldwide religion, there are ten of them. The principles are what the Adonitologists live their lives by. Commandments, if you will.

Here are the tenets as follows from their website:

1. God the Father (Adonis) and Issa Elohim the Mother were not born but came out of the life substance of Themselves, which always was, always is, and forever will be. 
2. The three points of Human Origin are: Adonis and Issa evolved the first humans (the Ethiopians) into their image. The second man (Anglo-Saxons) were birthed from the first man, and the third Man (Adam) was created in God’s image and likeness.
3. Man is an immortal, spiritual and sensual being designed to live forever. 
4. The Callipygian is the chosen woman and daughter of the earth highly favored in the eyes of the Triad. 
5. Riches and Wealth is the inheritance of the Adonitologist.
6. The Rebirth and Ceremonial Baptism must be performed.
7. Life must be enjoyed and pleasurable.
8. Prayer to the Heavenly Father must be prayed for blessings and protection over one’s life.
9. The Adonitologist must be of good physical and mental health and well-being, forsaking all unrighteousness, toxic persons, toxic environments, and atheists. 
10. The 10th Principle must be chanted – “We are the Immortal Ones. The Origos of Origos; The Beginning of Beginnings. We are the Children of El the Father-God, Issa Elohbunda the Mother-God, and the brother of Yeshua Christ the Son.”

Now you might be thinking what I am thinking. Man, this elaborate funny pseudo-religion is kind of culty sounding. You might be right; we went into researching this topic hoping to find sarcasm and perhaps overt atheist snark like what we’ve come to expect from Dudeism or Pastafarianism.

However, it looks like we’ve discovered someone’s excuse to sell E-books, make fake churches, and do podcasts in the name of the Eternal and Beloved Huge Ass.

If you’re interested in reading it, King Adonis I does have a book on amazon. (Free with Kindle Unlimited if you don’t want to spend money on it.)

It has terrible reviews. A lot of them.

None of us plan to convert. We shall instead remain humble appreciator o f the gluteus maximus.

 How do you feel about it? Cult or appreciation society? Let us know in the comments below.