Adonitology: Big Booty Blessings or Colossal Cheek Cult?

Adonitology
January 1, 2022
Categories:Stuff and Things

It might seem counter-intuitive to be discussing faith and spirituality of any kind in an article that also (more than once) uses the term “huge ass”. But that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to talk about something called Adonitology; something those of you with a sense of humor like ours will most likely have heard about by virtue of the ass worship memes floating around social media. The appreciation of a nice ass has long been described as some variation of the phrase butt worship, but in this case that is literally the Adonitology meaning. 

adonitologist-approved-@marandalunaa_by-@triple_feed

This very appealing image by @triple_feed (featuring @marandalunaa as it does) might well be the perfect, albeit unintentionally representative, image to introduce the topic of Adonitology…which is, literally, ass worship.

Religion is an essential facet in many people’s lives; in fact, it serves as much of the philosophy that define how people conduct their lives. Moreover, spirituality and religion have throughout history helped define moral compasses, driven history, and been the catalyst for great conflict. 

This isn’t really isn’t one of those religions. As we’ll explain. 

What is Adonitology?

Urban Dictionary describes Adonitology as a religion named after and founded by King Adonis I., which empowers and enlightens callipygian (defined as having shapely buttocks) women and new age thinkers.

Adonitology Meme

That’s right; you read that correctly. Adonitology is the worship of curvy women’s asses. Its adherents, known as Adonitologists, believe that large asses, specifically women’s (sorry Captain America), hold the “hidden and universal truth of the creation of life…”

Individual tastes vary, but we don't think you have to be an Adonitologist to appreciate @_dulcebella_; photo by @robcano_photo.

Individual tastes vary, but we don’t think you have to be an Adonitologist to appreciate @_dulcebella_; photo by @robcano_photo.

The “religion” is often posted online in meme form (or in poor quality screen shots from early 2010s Tumblr posts).

Shilpa Sethi ass worship

We feel very strongly that Shilpa Sethi (@ms.sethii) might have a special place in the hearts of Adonitologists.

If this seems interesting, know that you are not alone in that thought process. Reportedly there are over 20 million followers of the religion worldwide, but none of could find any official sources on the matter.

Maybe they mean every single guy who has ever posted publicly on social media that they’re an ass man. It could be an excellent way to stack the numbers in their favor.

Hell, that’s what we would do if we were gonna start the Cult of the Huge Ass! 

Psy is an Adonitologist

These might not be the exact size posterior preferred by followers of Adonitology, but the expression is apt.

adonitologist-approved-@marandalunaa_by-@triple_feed; explaining ass worship

More images from the @marandalunaa photo shoot by @triple_feed. Check ’em out.

The Founding of Adonitology

The history of Adonitology is as ridiculous as you probably imagine, though not more so than some other mytho-spiritual events in history. Of that we can ASSure you. 

Lara Lux and Vicky Aisha seem like they might find some approval among the ranks of Adonitologists.

Lara Lux and Vicky Aisha seem like they might find some approval among the ranks of Adonitologists.

The big ass worship founder has almost as many titles as season eight Daenerys Targaryen. However, officially he is referred to most of the time as “King Adonis I” or “His Imperial Majesty King Adonis I.” On January 3rd, 1996, King Adonis I claimed three heavenly beings visited him in Thailand; The Angel Elishamel, Jesus, and Issa Elohim the Holy Spirit.

(Tap the image below for motion if it doesn’t automatically start up.)

Ass gifs: Ass in motion. (Shilpa Sethi on the move. )

Ass in motion: Shilpa Sethi on the move.

This might have forever answering the age-old question, is your [insert deity of choice here] an ass man?

KIng Adonis I

After they visited him, he awoke to the realization that he was (this is his explanation, mind you, not ours) God reincarnated.

The biography on his website states, “In the tradition of Attis, Osiris, Allah, and Jehovah, King Adonis I reveals to mankind the universal laws and Truth of life which he is to be governed by in this era.”

He says he was instructed to wait years for the “appointed time,” and in 2009, he started spreading the teachings of Adonitology throughout the world.

We can only ASSume 2009 was the appropriate time.

(Tap the image below for motion if it doesn’t automatically start up.)

Alysia Magen: that's a thicc ass, and we like it.

@alysia-magen celebrating features that would make her an instant saint of Adonitologists.

The Adonitology Core Tenets

So Adonitology has its own set of core tenets; coincidentally a certain big worldwide religion, there are ten of them. The principles are what the Adonitologists live their lives by. Commandments, if you will.

Here are the tenets as follows from their website:

  1. God the Father (Adonis) and Issa Elohim the Mother were not born but came out of the life substance of Themselves, which always was, always is, and forever will be. 
  2. The three points of Human Origin are: Adonis and Issa evolved the first humans (the Ethiopians) into their image. The second man (Anglo-Saxons) were birthed from the first man, and the third Man (Adam) was created in God’s image and likeness.
  3. Man is an immortal, spiritual and sensual being designed to live forever. 
  4. The Callipygian is the chosen woman and daughter of the earth highly favored in the eyes of the Triad. 
  5. Riches and Wealth is the inheritance of the Adonitologist.
  6. The Rebirth and Ceremonial Baptism must be performed.
  7. Life must be enjoyed and pleasurable.
  8. Prayer to the Heavenly Father must be prayed for blessings and protection over one’s life.
  9. The Adonitologist must be of good physical and mental health and well-being, forsaking all unrighteousness, toxic persons, toxic environments, and atheists. 
  10. The 10th Principle must be chanted – “We are the Immortal Ones. The Origos of Origos; The Beginning of Beginnings. We are the Children of El the Father-God, Issa Elohbunda the Mother-God, and the brother of Yeshua Christ the Son.”

Now you might be thinking what I am thinking. Man, this elaborate funny pseudo-religion is kind of culty sounding. You might be right; we went into researching this topic hoping to find sarcasm and perhaps overt atheist snark like what we’ve come to expect from Dudeism or Pastafarianism.

@bullets_and_booty-by-@honeyheartclub_thicc-ass-worship

The aptly named @bullets_and_booty in a photo by @honeyheartclub. We do appreciate a shapely, well sculpted, thicc ass! (And good photographers who can shoot ’em without making ’em cringeworthy or awkward)

However, it looks like we’ve discovered someone’s excuse to sell E-books, make fake churches, and do podcasts in the name of the Eternal and Beloved Huge Ass.

Adonitology book

If you’re interested in reading it, King Adonis I does have a book on amazon. (Free with Kindle Unlimited if you don’t want to spend money on it.)

It has terrible reviews. A lot of them.

None of us plan to convert. We shall instead remain humble appreciator o f the gluteus maximus.

 How do you feel about it? Cult or appreciation society? Let us know in the comments below.

There is so very much to admire in this photo of @alysia_magen.

There is so very much to admire in this photo of @alysia_magen.

 

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1 Comment

  1. chris

    I just happened to come across this post about Adonitology. What I find interesting is how dumb the white person is who posted this stupid post about a religion they know nothing about.

    It’s amazing to me how you idiots grabbed a fake definition from urban dictionary that turned into a meme that wrongly defines Adonitology. If you went to the Adonitology website and read The Book of Adonitology then you would know that Adonitology is about spiritually empowering women with curves….not worshiping their behinds.

    You clowns don’t like the TRUE definition of Adonitology because it’s boring so you want to make up posts about a false definition and memes which are jokes so your blog can be relevant.

    Adonitology is NOT A RELIGION about worshiping women’s butts. It’s about curvy women worshiping King Adonis I and white men REALLY don’t like that idea. Why not when curvy women worship Jesus? Because King Adonis I, is a black male deity.

    Urban dictionary doesn’t define Adonitology because the founder of Adonitology already defined it and if urban dictionary’s definition of Adonitology isn’t in accordance to what King Adonis I says it is, then urban dictionary can be sued for spreading false information and damaging the Adonitology brand and its reputation because you people keep repeating the damaging misinformation.

    Lastly, no one is on your wack blog while Adonitology continues to grow in numbers, truth and popularity. You fools are haters and every successful person has some.

    Reply

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